Full disclosure- I will be honest. The following story is something I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit. Being a people pleaser is something I grew up being. But like the saying goes, it’s not your fault if your born poor but it is your fault if you die poor, the same saying applies here. Recently over these past years recovery has taught me so much about myself and forced me to take a good long look at myself. I’ve always had a problem with copying others and doing what I thought others wanted me to be, but I was in denial about being people pleaser.
Anyways… Here is the experience that slapped me across the face and woke me up to reality.
On the fourth of July I was hiking with my parents and we stopped in a small town to grab a bite. People had set up little stands in the parking lot where we parked and were selling merchandise and food. We walked up to a stand were a man was selling fish.
He was of a skinny man with a gray mustache, bald and was wearing no shirt (He gave off this pervert vibe). He was speaking with his nephew (What I could make out from the conversation), he turned to me and started trying to sell to me. I asked for the price and avoided the question.
He told me to pick up his colder and help his nephew. I was sore from working out the day before so in my head I said no, but when he turned around to look at me waiting for me to pick up the cooler I said ok, and I hauled the heavy cooler with ice and fish in it to the other side of the parking lot…
(Visual/not my picture- got it off google)
I was thinking to myself what the fuck are you doing! Then I went back to the stand and stood there awkwardly.
He then looked at me, and I tried to make conversation so I could break the awkward silence said, “So how much is the fish?”
-He looked at me and said “your pretty strong guy Huh?”
Me *Awkward chuckle*
Him – “You have big arms, young looking. Are you in high school?”
Me-I shook my head(no) (At this point I already sensed this had nothing to do with the fish he was selling and I was getting a weird vibe from him…I just wanted to go)
Him- “How old are you?”
Me: *I smiled and turned to my parents nervously, they were just staring at both of us. “19” (Trying to keep it short. I wanted to end the conversation but didn’t want to be rude and not answer his questions)
Him: “What college you go to?”
Me: I told him what college I went to (What the fuck are you doing giving him all this privet info! At this point I felt so disgusted with myself. I FELT LIKE HIS BITCH. HE DID MAKE ME HIS BITCH)
All this while my parents stood there and stared awkwardly…They were in shock…
ME:” Thanks we’re not interested anymore” (We turned and walk towards the car)
Driving home was the most awkward silent ride ever…. This strange man with a pervert vibe had made me his bitch in from of my parents…and we all knew it. There was a white elephant sitting inside the car, crushing us with its weight, but nobody said a thing.
Later that night my mother said “What happened earlier today? Why did you answer his questions? Why did you give him all your info?? And why did you help him with his cooler?”
ME: “I… I don’t know! I felt hypnotized! I didn’t want to answer his questions but the people pleaser inside of me wanted to be nice! I wanted to be nice so everyone there who see want a respectful guy I was…. I don’t know, I hate myself!”
That day, I vowed I would work towards becoming a man.
A man to me is someone who is truly himself. Not a people pleaser.
A man is someone who is not concern with what others opinions are as long as he is true to himself and can be honest when it’s hard. And most importantly, he knows his worth.
I grew up with a passive father. He was there in person, but HE was never really there if that make sense. My mother, with all good intentions, and played both roles, teaching me what she though being a man meant.
The problem is she is a woman. She can’t teach me to be something that she is not.
So I grew up being taught that being a man meant pleasing women.
In this day in age, many boys grow up with a weak father figure or no father at all. Unfortunately, women end up carrying the responsibility of becoming both roles. This results in their sons becoming nice guys who please everyone, and are afraid of letting people who who they really are for the fear of stepping on toes. In the process we lose sight of who we are and what they want in life.
This experience woke me up and let me realize porn has affected me self-worth. I seek external validation, and this is a self-destructive thing. You will never please everyone in life. By bending backwards to manipulate others to like you, you walk over yourself, and in turn others will do the same. At the end of the day, you please nobody, and only end up destroying your life.
I highly suggest you check out the book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’. It’s really been helping me change my life for the better by helping me understand myself better.
Please read this !
I could’nt find the ‘No More Mr.Nice Guy’ PDF which I wanted to upload so you guys could read the book for free but here is a quiz from the book which I would like you to check out to get you thinking about what being a nice guy might mean to you, if your one or in denial about being one.