I know this is a lot to read, but I feel this is more for myself as a summary of what I’ve done recently and where I’ve been on this journey in recovery. I will purposefully leave out the start of my addiction and begin during the time when I first started battling addiction.
When I was 16 year old junior in high school, I had tons of friends, I loved it! It was my peak year. I’m not bragging, trust me. Because for the first time ever I wasn’t bullied and made fun of because of my race or my big nose. I took classes along with many different races and crazy enough, whites were the minority. I had a loyal beautiful girl by my side, a best friend and a ton of acquaintances who I made good of memories with.
When I turned 17 and entered senior year, things began to shift in my life. I was beginning to fight back hard against my porn addiction. I had to face the truth, I was an addict. But it seemed that the more I tugged at it, the deeper it dug its claws into me and the more stuck I became. Depression began seeping into my life like a gas, I didn’t see it, but I felt it killing me slowly. I began to lose contact with everybody. By the end of senior year I had No friends and nobody to could talk to.
Here’s the thing, people have always liked me and tried to become a part of my life, but I don’t let them get close! I can’t, but I wish I could. It’s like looking at something behind bars. Your so close too it, but will never be able to have it. It mocks you. Friendships mock me.
The problem has always been that I don’t like myself. I guess negative experiences in my life as a youth of being stabbed in the back, addiction, and being made fun of took its toll, I remained a closed off and secretive person, never letting anyone get close, and goodness forbid, let them know the real me.
At age 18 I completely lost ALL CONTACT with everybody, including family (Not my parents). I deleted my Instagram, snapchat and twitter. Social media made me jealous of other people hanging out with their friends while I had non, and Instagram lead me to relapse a lot as well. I lived on the internet, a bitter person, I never went out. I fought hard to hold back the urges, but every time I did, I seemed to only fall deeper into this addiction.
I moved away from my parents when I went to college, and what awaited me was hell on earth. For months, my life consisted of me sitting naked on my bed, fapping to porn in my pitch black college dorm room for hours.
I fell off the face of the earth while battling anxiety, depression and addiction on my own. I had no friends… alone for days and weekends in my dorm.
At some point I remembered becoming a bit scared, because I had these weird thoughts that If I died in my dorm, nobody would even notice until the smell of my decaying body filled the hallways, and then my naked body would be found with a laptop playing porn on my bed. This was definitely my rock bottom. I needed to do something to change.
After one of my many porn binges, while scrolling YouTube, I saw a video of a YouTuber named FouseyTube talking openly about his addiction and about attending therapy. This opened up my mind, because I saw this guy who was loved by a lot of people, a normal dude, going to therapy. I had thought therapy was for looney cases. But after seeing a normal person attend therapy, I was opened to the idea of trying out a few sessions for myself.
Little did I know, that would be a very important decision in recovery for me. Therapy helped me clean my dirty closet out and get rid of many hidden secrets and grudges. I let go of my past and turned to my future. Therapy was a crucial part of my recovery. (A few months later, I told my dirty secret about porn addiction to a counselor, and then my parents. These were the first real steps towards recover.)
I then began a blog called Fapnosity, and open up about addiction for the first time… I begin to make progress on addiction. No more porn binges on weekends. Of course I still fapped, but I started to put a lid on my porn intake and find out ways to open up about this addiction.
At age 19- I was still off the grid, I had no social media and had no friends, but I continued to work on myself.
At age 20 I realize that addiction is not the root but only the weed I see above ground. I must pull out the root which is causing addiction. The root cause is self-hate. I can never finish anything I start. I hate my big nose. I have a victim mentality.
Enough is enough. So I realize that I have to start looking for hobbies and begin building my life, because that is truly the only way I can get my life back.
I buy a paintball gun to go paintballing, a Balisong knife trainer, pick up skateboarding and begin to explore my new hobbies to see which one suits me best. I fill out job application, and get ready for a new school year at my university. This year will be different from my previous years. This will be MY YEAR!