“Please, I can’t quit. I need help!”
A couple years ago, I looked up to heaven and said “Please, I can’t quit. I need help!”. I’ve never doubted the existence of God, but many times I’ve doubted his insistence in my life.
On this particular day I was out on a drive on a dark winter night. I was driving in my parent’s car, listening to Tyga’s “careless world” album.
I headed towards a river that ran along a dark long road with lots of curves and ledges.
That night I had told my parents I was going to the gym for a late night work out, but I really just wanted to get away from everything and drive. I headed towards the lake, hoping to find some sort of peace.
For many weeks now, I had felt a heavy depression sitting on my shoulders. And that night in particular, it felt very heavy.
Driving around, I felt numb. Just listening to “King and Queens” by Tyga ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0Whf0_BrFY ), the darkness all around me, no people, nothingness; it all made me feel invisible. As if I was out of my body, just flying above all my troubles, flying above my life.
I stepped hard on the gas pedal.
*engine riving hard*
As the engine accelerated I felt the bumper go and car tug forward while my body my body sunk back into the seat.
In the blurriness of it all, I saw the orange clock hand on the speedometer climb quickly
My body was relaxed as I held the pedal down, almost flat on the floor
I saw tree’s flying past me.
A curve near in sight.
I didn’t feel any emotions, just numbness inside me, as if depression had put me in some trance.
I closed my eyes for a second…
**FUCK!! THIS AINT MY CAR!!**
As if I was woken up from this dream, just to realized it was real, I pushed down on the break firmly, steering the car to the side of the road.
I turned off the engine… The car went silent.
I put my head down…”I wasn’t really going to…was I?” … (Till this day, I never remember having suicide on my mind, ever. Mabey it was just an outburst of anger that I had held in for a long time)
I sat there for a minute.
As I was sitting there by my myself in the darkness, I realized that a song had been playing the whole time that I’d been staring at the river. (Starting at 3:35)
“Everything is alright, everything’s in your mind
Life is what you make it, life is what you make it
And anything can happen, anything can happen
But you just gotta get past it, you just gotta laugh at it
And anything can happen, you fall down get back up
And you better believe that nothing holding me back
So everything is alright, everything is alright
Everything is alright, promise I’ll be
Promise you’ll be, promise we’ll be alright”
Sitting there, listening, I knew that song was meant for me, it was meant to comfort me.
I started crying heavily and got all the pain out. I felt better, but ashamed because of what had just happened. I drove home, and went to sleep.
I’m not religions, I don’t even go to church, but there is no doubt in my mind that God works in mysterious ways.
He can use a pet, song or person to get to you.
He doesn’t need to come flying out of the sky surrounded by fleets of angels ready at his command on a cloud of thunder. No, maybe back in time but not now.
Now he uses more conventional ways.
He can speak to you in a post on social media, a movie, or even a YouTube video.
I know that on that day, he was looking out for me, and giving me strength and comfort hen I most needed it.