In the moments when I was scrolling social media of watching videos of YouTubers traveling, living life and surround by friends, I’d feel deeply sad and envious. Id blame it on their race, economic standing, looks or luck. I’d put myself down and feel very low. I compared myself with others a lot. It was a habit, or maybe a living. A very toxic one.
Instead of worrying about myself, I’d worry about others.
The problem with me, was that I had too much free time.
Too much free time can lead to over-analyzing, over-thinking, dwelling on the past, day dreaming, binge watching, and will lead to living an unproductive and unhealthy life.
This is why you need to keep busy and away from YouTube and social media.
When I realized that I was headed towards a life of misery and bitterness, I began to set goals. Impossible goals, goals only meant for the wealthy, goals that were not meant for “normal people”. I didn’t care.
Deciding to sacrifice luxuries for freedom
I also sacrificed luxuries for my freedom. I destroyed my iPhone and iPod by shooting rocks at them with my sling shot in my back yard. My parents thought I was crazy. What they saw were hundreds of dollars being ripped apart by rocks. What I saw was justice and revenge being served on my life long tormentors.
(Visual representation. This photo was not taken by me)
I clearly remember griping the rocks firmly, stretching the rubber till it couldn’t give, and let the rocks fly. The plastic would snap and glass shatter in different directions. After nothing was left but a pile of plastic, I walked over to the phones and as if they were living enemies who laid injured and bleeding, I said under my breath “you can’t hurt me anymore”, and stepped on them, as if ending their lives. It was more of a symbolic jester. I sensed a shift in power. I was now in control.
Closing doors, opening new ones.
I then went out and bought myself a simple flip phone.
I then wrote down all hobbies and things I’ve tried in life since I was a little kid. And figured out what it was that I had enjoyed doing. I liked music, I played instruments, and drew graffiti. Turns out I was drawn to art. So I tried a lot of things related to art. I tried things I didn’t even think I’d like.
I picked up my mother’s old camera (very simple camera) and got into photography which I realized I really enjoyed. Then I opened up an account on Instagram
It’s not about being good at what you do. Its about enjoying what you do.
I picked up a pen and paper to try poetry. I hated it. I tried writing raps, I hated it. So instead I just wrote about my recovery, which led to this blog at Fapnosity.com
I remembered that I liked to watch cooking videos on YouTube so I decided to print out a recipe which led to me learning to cook. I even baked a birthday cake for my parent’s birthday.
In recovery, you will notice your brain clear, the fog lift, and your capabilities will exceed beyond what you ever imaged you could do.
Why do you think it is that addiction targeted you?
Because your weak?
No.! If you were weak, addiction would have chuckled at you and let you be on your way.
But instead it saw something inside you that made it feel threatened. So it keeps you in a daze. It shortens your memory. It keeps you sleepy and anxious. Because it knows what your capable of.
But when you get out, you’ll be unstoppable! Develop those skills now, and stay busy! In this process you’ll end up finding yourself and ultimately your freedom!
Thank you for reading, and keep fighting!